Tuesday, July 19, 2011

When Kentucky met Maryland

I feel it is necessary to start out this post by giving an explanation as to why my geography knowledge is so limited.  I have only had exactly ONE Geography class my whole life, and it was in the 8th grade.  To make matters worse, our teacher, Mrs. M, was assumed to be an alcoholic.  If this tells you anything, we watched the same movie for 3 months at one point.  (Would it impress you to know that I can still sing the theme song to that movie???)  Needless to say, my geography skills are extremely lacking.

Anyway, I had to take a work trip last week to Maryland.  Historically, my work area (ie-Kentucky) has always been grouped with Southern States, like Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, etc.  Now, we are in an area with Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, Washington D.C., & parts of Delaware.  Attending meetings used to be just a quick drive away, but now they're a plane ride away.  I pretty much LOVE it because I get to experience a part of the US that I've never seen before.  However, I am 110% sure that our area gets an absolute kick out of us Southerners because we are such fish outta water up in their homeland.  Last week's meeting was an extremely small meeting, so there were only 2 of us from Kentucky that went, but I think our little Duo was all they would have been able to handle. Thank God I did not have to go alone, because after reading this post, you'll agree with me in thinking they would have thought I was straight special if I had been left up to my own devices.

Meet Brittany.
Natural beauty, right? I love her 2nd grade style. Please note she's wearing a cat sweatshirt.  Its no wonder we're friends. 
Okay, meet Britt for real.
Brittany & I were the only ones from Kentucky on this trip.  To say we are 2 peas in a pod would be a vast understatement.  Her & I pretty much stay in hysterics every time we are together or are on the phone.  Love this girl & can't imagine work without her.  I wasn't sure if our counterparts were quite ready for us & the hilarity that ensues with our mildly ignorant innocent comments. 
Please let me provide some examples of the solid entertainment we gave our East Coast counterparts at this past meeting...

Example #1: We had a conference call a few days prior to our last meeting to discuss our meeting agenda.  When asked about how we were getting from the Baltimore Airport to St. Michaels (our meeting destination), both Britt & I reply with "Oh, we'll just cab it.  Its no biggie."..... And then we were met with dead silence. Like you could hear a pindrop silence. Then someone says "Ladies, you all realize St. Michaels is about 1.5 hours away, right?"  Us, "Oh, it's not right outside of Baltimore? Well, umm. hmmmmm?"  Seriously? Who doesn't map out where the meeting location is? Our cab ride would have literally ended up costing about as much as our flights.  Clearly Britt shares my limited geography skills.  
Example #2: We ended up having a counterpart pick us up from the airport.  During the ride, we crossed over this little number.

So of course I ask, "Sooo, what state are we in now?"  Because in Kentucky if you cross over a bridge, you're in another state. Duh.  The driver gave me a look & said, "This is the Chesapeake Bay Bridge."  Me," Right, so what state does it take you too?"  The driver "Umm, Maryland.  The Chesapeake Bay is just in Maryland, Caroline."  Classic.  This is coming right after our fabulous driver was talking about how Wilmington bordered Maryland.  My comment? "Oh my gosh, I didn't realize North Carolina was so close!!. Wilmington, NC was where they filmed One Tree Hill & Dawson's Creek.  They probably like it because its on the coast. "  Dead silence.  Driver says, "Um, The Wilmington I'm talking about is in Delaware because Delaware borders Maryland."  OMFG. I am completely geographically illiterate.

Example #3: Even I know that Maryland is known for their crabcakes, so obviously we went to a seafood restaurant for dinner while we were there.  This might sound ridiculous but I have never had a harder time ordering food somewhere.  When it came time for me to order, I was persauded into ordering their seafood sampler, so I could try everything.  Okay- easy enough!  Then, the waitress went on to ask me how I preferred the various food to be prepared.  I just tell her "Oh you know, the normal way?"  The waitress responds with, "Let me just give you the different options." Then I swear the waitress went on about the 80 different ways they can prepare crab, oysters, shrimp, etc.  It was very reminiscent of listening to Bubba from Forest Gump.  

I then got wayyy too flustered to even answer because everyone was looking at me, waiting for me to make a decision, so I just blurted out "Ummmm... fried?" Typical Southern Response, right?  I just obviously wanted to make sure I sufficiently clogged up my arteries that night.

Example #4: Wedding crashers did not exaggerate East Coasters love for sailing.  At all.  I just conveniently forgot that aspect of the movie.  Almost immediately upon arrival, our peers began discussing their love for being on the water.  I also love being on the water in the summer, so I ask, "Ohhh, so what kind of boats do yall go out on?  Speed boats? House boats?  Or pontoon boats?"  I was promptly looked at like I had 7 heads.  Response? "Ohhh, no.  Honey, we go sailing."   Well, of course you do.  We're in Maryland after all.  Duh Caroline.  Lucky for me, we ended up going out on a sailboat a little bit later so us Kentucky girls got to see what the fuss is all about.  

I took about 15 pics that look exactly like this because I was so utterly fascinated.
Not going to lie, sailing does have an extra element of class that pontoon boats just can't quite reach.  I mean, how many lake boats motor back to a place like this after a day on the water?  
As you can see, there were no pontoon boats at this dock.  Shocking, right? hahahaha
So even after all my ridiculous commentary, I find it hysterical that all of our counterparts are pleading to come to Kentucky for their next meeting.  Lets be honest here, I can't really blame them- horse racing & bourbon? Why wouldn't they want to come here ?  :)  I have a hard time believing they'll have as many off the wall questions as I did, but I'm going to console myself with the assumption that there is one "special" person in every crowd, and last week- it just happened to be me :) Okay yall, thats it for now.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My Little Kicks

I have a fairly off beat sense of humor.  I find hilarity in the most random things.  I can't help it- it runs in my family.  Kevin swears we all find the most ridiculous stuff funny.  One thing we all share a love for is corny jokes.  For example:

"Why don't cannibals eat clowns?"
     Answer: Because they taste funny. Bahahahahahahahaha.

I know you all are rolling hysterically on the ground right now, right? I know, I know- I'm a riot.  Oh don't worry, I've got more where that came from.

Momma Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear went on a picnic.  Momma bear tells Papa Bear & Baby Bear that she still has some stuff she needs to get situated out, so they can play around the park until she gets finished setting up the food, blanket, etc.  So, about 15 minutes later, Momma Bear yells "Papa Bear... Baby Bear... Time for our lunch."
Well, Papa Bear was quite hungry, so he came back to their picnic setup in a hurry.  However, Baby Bear was still nowhere to be found.  Momma Bear & Baby Bear grew worried & began searching the park, yelling "Babbbbyyyyy Bearrrr... Babbbyyy Bearrrrr..." over & over.  THEN, out of nowhere, Baby Bear comes running from over the hill, waving his hands back & forth, hollering "RADIO!!!!! RADIO!!!!!!"

Question- how many times did yall read that & then question if you missed something?  Seriously.. how many?  The point of the joke is that there is absolutely no point.  It is absolutely my #1 favorite joke to tell with one of my family members.  9 times out of 10, when you & your co-conspirator start laughing at the end of the joke, the third party will immediately join in to laugh with you.  Then it gets even funnier because you know there is absolutely no point, yet they don't know that & they're literally laughing to act like they get this stupid joke.  I'd be lying to yall if I said I wasn't laughing right now, thinking of how many people my Dad & I have told that joke to.  I'm not kidding, I am beside myself with laughter as I type.  (Don't worry, you won't offend me if you think I'm a tard.  I understand that I have the maturity of 3rd grader, and I'm cool with it.)

Anywho, since Kevin doesn't always share my love of super funny jokes (Shocking, right?), I obviously have to look for other ways to entertain myself.
Let me introduce you to People of Walmart.com- (these next images are all taken at various Walmarts from across our great country. God Bless the USA.)  
Next Glamour Shot Outfit for sure!!!

I think he was torn on which look to go for... Garden Vixen or Black Tie Attire?

Homeboy has clearly never heard of the term "manscaping." Bless his heart.  Lets just hope there are razors in that cart.  After all, the heat index in KY today is supposed to be 110, but for this gentlemen, its probably 115.  

In all fairness, I probably could have been prominently featured on Peopleofwalmart.com after a particularly rough night, but so far, I've been lucky & managed to fly under the radar :) Phew. Thank goodness.

Now, if you find humor in the idiot decisions of others, let me also introduce you to Texts From Last Night.com.

**SIDE NOTE: To Big P & Jan: I would probably strop reading this post right now.  I will most likely get a lecture about how this site is only funny to people that have a low intelligence level & that you are appalled by the language/content on there.  So, lets just bypass that & you all click the little X button. Mmkay, thanks. Love you. **

These next texts are 100% real & 100% sent from someone who probably had consumed 8+ cocktails when the text message was sent.  As a fair warning, these texts get pretty crude & in appropriate, so if you're easily offended, I probably wouldn't venture to this website.

So, heres just a random sampling of texts from TFLN that provide you with a pretty good indication of what this website is all about....

(256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v

(207): Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america. http://tfl.nu/yc3t

(909): Talking to a male stripper.  About the LSAT.  Only in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/i4ub

(317): I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30. http://tfl.nu/4yw7

(843): So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay. http://tfl.nu/5u6r

(805): I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a b***h or something. http://tfl.nu/b077

(406): you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College" http://tfl.nu/x9bo

(409): You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate. http://tfl.nu/kfhp

As you can see, the texts are pretty over the top & mildly obscene, but thats what makes them so funny.  I think this website does 3 things extremely well.

1) Reiterates the point that under NO circumstances should you ever (and i mean EVER) send text messages while under the influence.  You will inevitably wake up with an immense feeling of regret and/or embarrassment.  (Not that I'd know or anything :)  I'm just looking out for you all!
2) Makes you feel better about your own life.  Seriously, the majority of the texts that are posted on there are insanely sloppy, and the only people I know who would actually send texts like that are either still in college, under the age of 21, or complete alcoholics.
3) Provides mindless entertainment for hours.  You could literally spend your whole day skimming through these ridiculous texts, and I guarantee you will be laughing at the site the whole time.  Basically because you will continue to be utterly amazed by the people OR situations that the texts reference.

Hahahahaha- Clearly I wasn't lying when I said I have an off beat sense of humor :)  However, if none of these things were able to have gotten at least a little smile or laugh out of you today, then I just can't help ya!  When I'm in a bad mood, these are my sure-fire go-tos to help perk me up.  I highly recommend them the next time you're in need of a good laugh :)
Well gang, thats it for now!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Its Vacay Time in the Bluegrass....

Napa Trip -Circa 2009
So, I live to travel.  I love love love love trips.  Literally, the last time Kevin & I got home from a trip, I tried to convince him to book another one to Naples within 3 hours of returning home.  My parents were (and still are) very into traveling, which is probably the reason why I think I need to take a trip every few months.  I honestly visit Expedia.com, Travelocity.com, and Kayak.com on a daily basis to find those hard-to-pass up travel deals.  I've gotten pretty talented at it too- I once booked a 5 day trip for Kevin & I to San Fran/Napa for a grand total of $720
 (Yes, that is flight & hotel.
 And no, we did not stay at a hostel, brothel, or campground to get that price.  Bahahaha. Me? Campground? Yeah right.  My idea of roughing it is staying at a Holiday Inn.)  So, you ready for the irony in this???

...... I am a complete homebody.  I crave structure & get grumpy without it.  My vacations aren't like most people's vacations.... For starters, I like to work out on vacations.  I prefer to eat my normal breakfasts & lunches because otherwise it'll throw my stomach into a whirlwind of hurting.  (My stomach is definitely comparable to that of a senile 82 year old senior citizen.  It hurts when I eat almost anything.  Big thanks to Big P (my dad) for that little genetic gem.)  I even go to bed at my normal time (or before) on vacations.  Kevin swears I turn into a drill sergeant on vacay because I prefer to keep everything (including my workouts) on a time schedule.  I tend to stress if I think my structure is going to be messed with.

And yall, honestly I do great like in this structured type of vacay for a couple days & even manage to enjoy some time off of work.... but then, I start missing home.  Namely- my bed, my puppy, and the Diva.  Sad part of it is, this need to be at home & sleep in my own bed started when I was a toddler.  On occasion, my parents would be lenient on our bedtime while having friends over, in which case my brother would also still be up, undoubtedly wrecking havoc in the house too, yet I inevitably would find my Mom or Dad & BEG them to take me up to my bed.

Oh don't worry, as time progressed, I got even more neurotic about missing home & sleeping arrangements.  For example, when I would host OR attend sleepovers, parents would come down to check on us girls late night, only to find that I had bounced.  (Calm down, I didn't try to walk home or anything weird like that.  They would always either up to my own bed or the host's bed, but regardless, I'm sure it was pretty startling the first few times it happened.)  Someone please tell me they did this too.  Anyone?.... Seriously anyone?.... Bueller?

Another prime example of my need for a routine/inability to relax on any vacation or trip is perfectly demonstrated in the picture below.  

Yes, that is me being one with my work computer.  Doing an expense report & program scheduling in the middle of a bachelorette party just screams "Life of the Party," yes?  Again, I am obviously one super cool chick.  Not.  I also may or may not also be guilty of getting on conference calls & checking voicemails while literally being on the beach.  (PS- I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown on my honeymoon because I couldn't dial in to check my work voicemail.  As a fair warning, Voicemail does NOT work in Mexico.  Believe me, I hunted down every employee I possibly could at our resort to resolve this issue & had zero luck. Lesson Learned- if you're obsessive about your job, stay in the U.S.)  While Kevin calls it insane, I call it multi-tasking.  Getting my tan on while conducting business??  Seems like a win-win to me :)

The next trip on the Docket is actually for work, which suits me just fine.  I'll be doing a brief little stint next week at this shack in Maryland. 

Its tough, but I guess I'll stay at the place they filmed Wedding Crashers for a few days.  I do great on these trips because I stay on a schedule, work gets done, and they are all less than 5 days.  Lets just pray that I don't go MIAwhile trying to locate the best bed possible, or better yet- that I don't wake up to creepy Todd Cleary trying to paint me :)

Obviously, I know my homebody tendencies aren't exactly, ummm, normal, so I've tried to figure out why I am always dying to come home from vacation.  Heres what I've come up with...

1) I like to be in control, so doing things on other peoples' schedules drives me insane.
2) I absolutely adore what I get to come home to (ie, my fabulous hubby, sweet puppy Hudson, our beautiful house, and my crazy kitties.) & feel most like myself at home.

**Side note- I was oddly obsessed with Wizard of Oz from age 1-4 years old.  I'm now highly suspicious there might be a direct correlation with my homebody preferences & this movie.  Seriously, think about it.  Here Dorothy is, transplanted in this magical place, and all she can think about is getting home.  Surely the possibility exists that her ridiculous need to leave the Yellow Brick Road & Oz was projected onto me & permanently ingrained into my brain, right?  Then again, I know some of my friends watched Barney & none of them have shown ANY signs of having their travel preferences based solely upon what they learned from his show (ie: traveling in a goofy hat while partaking in that particular means of transportation, or singing ridic songs while on a plane.)  Hmmm. Dang, I thought I was onto something for a second. Maybe I'm just an oddball. 

I guess the long & short of it is this: While I absolutely adore traveling & exploring new places, I think Dorothy said it best, "There is No Place like Home." 

Okay guys, thats it for now :)