When I was pregnant, one of the reasons I could not wait to have little man was I thought it would mean my life would get back to normal.
I don't think I've ever been so wrong about anything in my whole life. And if you know me at all, it is extremely hard for me to admit when I'm wrong.
While I absolutely adore my perfect little baby boy, I also have never felt so not normal.
Before you start pushing antidepressants my way, I'm not talking about baby blues or post partum. I'm more talking about the fact that no one could ever prepare you for the wide array of new worries & completely raw emotions a baby brings to your life.
The expression "I love (fill in blank) so much, it hurts" might be the most accurate description of what it feels like to love a child.
And it is absolutely terrifying.
I used to think my Mom & Dad were complete psycho paths for worrying about me all the time. I need to slap my younger self because I bet I am 20 times worse.
I play the "what if" game in my head on an every hour basis. Like... What if he gets hurt at daycare? Or what if something happens to me while I'm driving to work? Or what if he stops breathing in the middle of the night while I'm asleep?
Get a grip, right? Apparently this goes with the territory of being a parent. Who knew you couldn't just turn that instinct on and off?
And then, you know those parents who freak out when their child gets sick & you think they're completely nuts for overreacting about a virus or cold...
Well, don't even get me started on what it felt like when he was sick with a fever for the first time. I may or may not have started crying because I knew he was so miserable. And you legit feel powerless because there is not a damn thing you can do except wait until the Tylenol kicks in.
Clearly he was just as upset as I was over his random virus. ummm wait. Not so much :)
I also didn't understand the people that just wanted to stay home with their kids on a Friday or Saturday night. Like, just call a babysitter already & be social. When I was pregnant, I thought I'd immediately jump right back into the social scene. I wasn't gonna let a baby hold me down.
Ha. Like thats easy.
First of all, after working all week, I am literally dying to spend time with my sweet boy. The thought of leaving him again on my off time kills me.
Second, it still scares the hell out of me to leave him with anyone except our parents. You might call it over protective, I call it peace of mind.
Third, when we do make it out, all I'm really thinking about is "I wonder if little man is okay. I wonder what he's doing..." Going out & partying it up with our friends seems to have lost its luster, which I'm sure makes us totally uncool & huge losers, but whatevs. I'm 28, married, & have a newborn baby. I fit in at a bar like Miley Cyrus would fit in at a convent.
She frightens me.
Lastly, while we do take Brooks places with us, it's damn near impossible to successfully carry on great conversations while tending to him. Plus, we don't want to be "those parents"- certain places are absolutely inappropriate for babies/children to be at. Our friends have been absolutely amazing about us carting Brooks places with us, but I don't want him to wear out his welcome. Or scare anyone out of having kids :) Right now, to be honest, staying in is just a bit easier. Do I miss going out on the town? Yes, from time to time. However, the thought of waking up hungover with Brooks raring to go at 7am makes me want to jump off a cliff.
However, to be even more honest, one of my favorite nights in the past month was when we had a "family date" with my girl Katie, her husband, & new little guy, Bennett. We had an absolute blast watching our little men flail around with each other, while swapping new parent stories over cocktails. And I mean, have you ever seen anything so adorable in your life? Bennett is 3 weeks younger than Brooks, so Katie, Shane, Kev, & I had loads of hilarious tales to chat about. (PS- Check out Katie's adorable blog. You'll love it. )
Brooks & Bennett. BFFs for life :)
I also thought I knew a little something about babies before I had one. Ha. I feel like I owe anyone I ever gave parenting advice to before I had little man a HUGE apology. Let's be honest, is there ANYTHING more upsetting than when people (who do not have children yet) start giving you parenting advice? Or questioning your techniques? Seriously, while I know some are trying to help, as harsh as it sounds, unless you've gone through it, its hard to put a lot of stock into your words of wisdom.
I borderline wish I could go back & kind of prepare myself for all of the wrong assumptions I was making. Then again, we all know I wouldn't have listened :)
While I'm still adjusting to my new normal & feel out of my comfort zone a lot of the time, this guy's smile makes every day worth it.
That about does it for me. I hope my insane honesty didn't scare you away just yet :) I promise my next post will be waaayyyy more cheerful. I just had a ton on my mind.